Criminology as Peacemaking--"Empathy works, obedience doesn't"

Date: Tue, 26 May 1998 11:37:02 -0500 (EST)
From: "harold e. pepinsky" 
Subject: Could you put this on the web page?  Many thanks--hal

    Draft for forthcoming book, edited by Dennis Sullivan and
    Larry Tifft, of work presented at the conference on
    restorative justice and peacemaking held in Albany New York,
    June 1997.  Comments and suggestions are most welcome.  Many
    thanks to Dennis and to Bill DuBois for helpful comments thus
    far.
    
    
    
                 EMPATHY WORKS, OBEDIENCE DOESN'T
                          Hal Pepinsky
  Criminal Justice, Indiana University, Bloomington, IN 47405
                             USA
                      pepinsky@indiana.edu
                              1998
                                
                                   
    CRIMINOLOGY AS PEACEMAKING
    It has been just over a decade since I turned explicitly to
    studying how to make peace instead of making war on crime and
    violence.  Criminology and criminal justice are essentially
    negative enterprises, about what not to do, about why we do
    what we should not, about how to stop us from doing wrong. 
    In studying peacemaking I sought to understand how we get the
    kind of human relations we DO want.  Essentially, I seek to
    understand how we become safer in the face of violence.  I
    want to find out what safety is and how we get more of it
    with one another.  There are many other words we use for the
    opposite of being enmeshed in violence--security, community,
    compassion...I like "safety" because it is such a plain,
    blunt word.
    I began my explicit inquiry into peacemaking by stating a
    theory that peace supplanted violence whenever interaction
    became "responsive" (Pepinsky 1988; expanded in Pepinsky
    1991).  While violence and the fear and pain it engenders
    came from people pursuing their own independent agendas and
    objectives regardless of how others were affected,
    responsiveness was interaction in which actors' personal
    agendas shifted constantly to accommodate others' feelings
    and needs.  Responsiveness was how people acted in
    participatory democracy, which Paul Jesilow and I had earlier
    proposed as the way to "make people behave" instead of
    punishing criminality (Pepinsky and Jesilow 1992 [1984]: 127-
    38).  Thus enterprise would become safer and more honest if
    tax incentives and other subsidies supported worker/client-
    democratically-owned-and-operated businesses; prisons would
    become safer if democratically governed as Tom Murton (1968)-
    -who became "Brubaker" in a movie--did in the mid-sixties in
    Arkansas; and responses to crime and violence like Victim
    Offender Reconciliation Programs (VORPS) built safety by
    encouraging victims and offenders to have community support
    in creating their own ways into secure community life--as
    Christie (1977) had put it, to own their own disputes.  In
    all our proposals, democratization was the path to peace.
    In Montreal in 1987 at the Third International Conference on
    Penal Abolition (ICOPA III), I was also made aware of three
    parallel streams of thought in action:  radical feminism as
    Kay Harris had propounded it at ICOPA II in 1985 (revised
    statement in Harris 1991), "abolitionism" as propounded by
    Knopp et al. in 1976 as represented in her Safer Society
    Program for victims of sexual violence and for offenders
    (Knopp 1991), and "restorative justice" beginning under
    Mennonite auspices with establishment of VORPs first in
    Kitchener, Ontario, in 1974, and in Elkhart, Indiana, in 1977
    (Zehr 1990).  At about this time, aboriginal alternatives to
    prosecution and punishment were beginning to gain
    recognition; in 1989, New Zealand adopted Maori ways,
    offering "family group councils" to all young people
    petitioned into juvenile court for delinquency--circles
    including family and friends of victims and offenders,
    sitting in a circle with officials and lawyers, convened by a
    social worker (Consedine 1995).  All these strands focused on
    the harm done by crime and violence in tearing both victims
    and offenders from reciprocally trustworthy relations with
    others, on trying to repair the damage caused by violence
    rather than focusing on identifying, isolating, separating,
    and punishing the offender.  This body of work has been
    summarized in a special issue on "The Phenomenon of
    Restorative Justice," inaugurating the journal Contemporary
    Justice Review (Sullivan 1998).
    Richard Quinney, I, and our contributors began drawing these
    strands of thought and action together into a field we
    labeled Criminology as Peacemaking (Pepinsky and Quinney
    1991).  I have since tried to gain understanding of basic
    mundane elements by which people make peace in place of
    violence.
    I have found one set of accounts of how to make peace in
    place of violence which to me precisely describe the basic
    structural elements of peacemaking.  These accounts describe
    the Navajo world view in which "peacemaking courts" have been
    constituted by the Navajo Supreme Court.  Navajo Supreme
    Court Chief Justice Robert Yazzie (1998) has been joined by
    Zion (1985) and Gross (1996) in describing how the court
    functions.  The peacemaker, recognized by community members
    as "someone who thinks well, speaks well, thinks well, and
    shows by his or her behavior that the person's conduct is
    grounded in spirituality" (Yazzie 1998: 125), follows a
    mediation process which culminates in a circle, joined by
    individuals aggrieved and their clans, and individuals who
    have aggrieved and their clans.   The peacemaker begins a
    conversation about violence which simply moves around the
    circle, each individual free either to speak or to pass the
    floor to her or his left.  Each time the conversation returns
    to the peacemaker, s/he summarizes what has been said, and
    may and in all probability will continue round the circle
    again and again.  At any time the peacemaker may pass the
    floor to a particular member of the circle, who may then pass
    as asked.  To the Navajo, violence is a matter of imbalances
    of power in interaction.  All human interaction is viewed as
    a conversation.  When any person or group in interaction
    monopolizes the conversation, the conversation--in Navajo
    terms--becomes imbalanced.  Peace is restored by balancing
    the conversation henceforth.  Everyone leaves a truly
    balanced conversation free to choose what s/he does next.  To
    the Navajo as to me, it is a contradiction in terms to make
    someone responsible; rather, a peacemaking process liberates
    one's heart to be in tune with others and to continue taking
    turns in interaction.  Participating in a balanced
    conversation stimulates one's assumption of responsibility.
    Wagner-Pacifici (1993) has analyzed transcripts of
    negotiations between MOVE and the City of Philadelphia,
    confirming the hypothesis that violence escalated and
    eventually erupted as MOVE members' voices and concerns were
    taken out of officials' conversations in the negotiation
    process.  As Fisher et al. (1992) depict peacemaking in
    international diplomacy, "getting to yes" entails "moving
    from position to interest."  The quarrel over position is, to
    borrow Anglo legal terminology, over whether a party has
    "standing to be heard."  Parties are able to move to
    inventing ways to accommodate one another's concerns once
    they take for granted that everyone's interests equally
    deserve airing and hearing.  Again, balanced participation in
    conversations among those who live with the consequences is
    the essence of making peace.
    My recent published work has been directed toward describing
    how balancing conversations in response to personal violence
    makes us safer and more secure, in everyday life (Pepinsky
    1998a), in criminological research (Pepinsky 1998b), and
    where legal protection against personal violence fails
    (Pepinsky 1995).  In this work, I focus on the basic
    substance of peacemaking--to what it is that happens as our
    conversations become more balanced, to what safe results are. 
    Here I discuss what safety IS.
    I propose that safety is essentially the enjoyment of
    empathy of others, while from a warmaking point of view
    safety is essentially a state of perfect obedience.  I am not
    a prophet, and so I don't propose whether at any moment we
    will do what makes us safer rather than threatening us with
    greater violence.  I do propose what safe relations are when
    we manage to build them, that is, as we make peace.  My
    thesis about what reduces the threat of violence and yields
    safety in its place is simply this: empathy works, obedience
    doesn't.
    
    REMORSE AND EMPATHY
    We are born with the capacity to ask for help, and the
    capacity to offer a loving gaze or embrace.  That much is
    undisputed.  To the degree we regard childrearing as a
    warrior's duty to command a child's obedience, parental duty
    lies in suppressing inappropriate or intolerable expressions
    of feeling and commitment.  We justify parental war on
    children on grounds that adults know better than children
    what children should feel, say, and do.
    In my home culture parents speak with fear of handling
    "terrible twos" and adolescence.  And from a warrior's point
    of view, in both cases, it is vital that the parent establish
    that s/he is in charge.  Good children do as they are told. 
    When children do bad, they need--in the current local cliche-
    -to be "given consequences," as though hurting someone isn't
    consequence enough in itself to deal with.  And when we are
    thus "disciplining" our children, what sign of having become
    trustworthy do we look for first and foremost?  Remorse. 
    "I'm sorry.  I know it was stupid.  I'll never do it again,
    promise."
    Remorse is the widely known best chance of talking one's way
    out of a speeding ticket.  Remorse is the primary objective
    of criminal prosecution.  When, shortly after the death of
    Mao Zedong, criminal codes were enacted in China in 1978,
    Chinese legislators were berated by colleagues of mine in the
    U.S. for virtually requiring criminal defendants to confess
    guilt at trial or face dire consequences.  I noted at the
    time how we in the U.S. do the same; woe to the criminal
    defendant who demands to go to trial and (as most do) loses
    (Pepinsky 1980).
    I suffer watching defendants plead guilty in local courts. 
    It is such a humiliating experience, assuring the judge count
    by count that yes, your honor, I have done it and know it was
    wrong and have no excuse for my behavior...Thus the judge
    leaves a clean record that the plea is "free and voluntary." 
    We put a premium on obedience.  We do so to our peril, I
    believe.
    Alice Miller (1990 [1983]) calls commanding obedience
    "poisonous pedagogy."  It is poisonous pedagogy, as her book
    title suggests, to make a child feel or do something for his
    or her own good.  "Stop whining, you know this is good for
    you!"  You learn that to please the parents you spontaneously
    love and want to please, to say nothing of to avoid pain and
    rejection, you smile when you are supposed to, you say the
    right thing, no matter how tempted you are to protest or show
    fear or pain.  You learn, in other words, to lie.  The poison
    in this pedagogy is that we teach ourselves as children to
    lie, to dissociate from our own feelings and inclinations, to
    bury them, to reject our own true selves.
    Nothing is more fundamental to safe social relations than
    honesty.  Insofar as we manage to bury our true feelings and
    respond--mechanically--as instructed, we are essentially what
    psychiatrists in my culture these days call sociopathic.  We
    are essentially expedient.  We are, as Miller argues using
    Hitler and a serial sadistic killer as case studies, in the
    dissociated frame of mind in which Milgram's (1973)
    demonstrated enough "obedience to authority" to try to give
    lethal shock to stooges who begged for their lives.
    Short of being murdered or severely disabled, vaginal or
    anal rape is a fair candidate for being the form of criminal
    personal violence we fear most.  Those who have raped who
    talk about it characteristically express surprise that those
    they have raped are complaining, thinking, "They asked for
    it," or, "They deserved it."  While those being raped fear
    that their attacker is so out of control that "he could kill
    me!" those who are raping are oblivious to the pain and fear
    they cause.  They simply dissociate from their companion's
    pain and terror.  That dissociation is the mechanism by which
    violence continues and repeats itself.
    
    At the other end of the spectrum from those who subordinate
    others wantonly to those who conform to our norms, how are
    you supposed to trust the yes-person who assures you that
    "I'll be there for you"?  At one end of the spectrum,
    personal violence does not happen unless the assailant
    dissociates.  At the other, you don't know whether you can
    count on anyone who has had to learn to turn her or his true
    feelings off and tell you what s/he thinks you want to hear.  
    This is what Alice Miller tells us that poisonous pedagogy--
    doing and feeling as you're told--produces.  When the
    conformist who tells you "I'll be there for you"  feels the
    demand to shift allegiance to some other power figure at your
    expense, you lose.  The promise is not really a promise.  The
    promise is oriented toward an external set of rewards and
    punishments, which may shift with political winds, not toward
    your needs.  The promise is an act of obedience, not of
    empathy.  One common promise for obedience sake is to
    apologize for one's violence and promise never to do it
    again.
    It is remarkable that we so venerate remorse.  Remorse is in
    thorough disrepute among those who work with those victimized
    by so-called domestic violence.  In the run-of-the-mill cycle
    of repeated assaults, each assault is followed by a
    "honeymoon period" in which the assailant expresses remorse,
    says he's sorry, tries to do anything to make it up.  Those
    who work with those who most regularly are battered,
    including those who are routinely raped, regard remorse as
    worthless.  Experience tells them so.  I find it quite
    remarkable that we can find remorse in our subjects, such as
    criminal defendants and children, so reassuring.
    Conversely, empathy may supplant violence with no remorse
    expressed.  A friend recently described to me how she had
    found safety in the company of a mother who had chronically
    emotionally abused her.  This friend, who in my view has done
    a heroic job of balancing compliance with court orders and
    protecting herself and her children from apparent violence,
    had stopped calling her mother because her mother would
    invariably combine two themes: what is so wrong with you that
    all this trouble keeps happening?  and you're not showing me
    you love me.
    My friend's father had told her that her mother has cancer,
    and that metastasis had set in.  Her mother had started going
    shopping with her.  One of the faults the mother had
    criticized my friend for was for compulsive shopping.  That
    stopped.  They don't talk about Lynnette's problems.  They
    don't talk about the cancer either.  Her mother doesn't
    complain to her daughter at all, bent instead on enjoying
    time together looking for bargains and such.  Her mother's
    behavior is what I would call "responsive": she by her action
    demonstrates what hurts her daughter and responds instead to
    what her daughter enjoys.  My friend and I agree that her
    mother is demonstrating a reliable commitment to saying
    goodbye on good terms.  The mother's conduct combines a
    hardnosed projection of how the mother herself wants to die
    with attentiveness to what truly makes her daughter feel safe
    in her mother's company.
    Since having supposed that empathy might be a reliable
    ground upon which to build trust and become safe in others'
    company, I have noticed how hard it is for those who are at
    risk of continuing emotional or physical assaults to fake
    empathy.  Remorseful violators can go on and on about how
    terrible THEY feel over how they hurt you, but until they
    become honest with themselves and you about getting what they
    want, they suffer emotional attention deficit disorder.  If
    they do get forced to talk about how they think you feel and
    what they think you want, it just won't sound like you to
    you.  I have learned to depend on empathy to decide whether I
    can afford to let down my guard with others.  Empathy may
    come and go, of course, mine included.  It is not that the
    world can be separated into empathic and sociopathic people. 
    Rather, empathy indicates that any of us can be depended upon
    to be responsive rather than untrustworthy while any of us
    shows it.  Empathy amounts to letting others' true selves
    into our conversations, and when we do so, we are literally
    there WITH others, in a frame of mind to notice others' fear
    and pain and offer validation and reassurance.
    In recent years I have gotten to know a number of children
    and parents caught in struggles over evidence that the
    children are seriously assaulted by parents, to know large
    numbers of those who describe having been raised in
    horrendous violence, commonly known as ritual abuse, and to
    know a number of those who have treated people for the trauma
    such violence leaves behind.  I have gotten to know these
    people in the context of offering a seminar on children's
    rights and safety and another class in which I introduce
    peacemaking.  I invite a number of them to these classes.  I
    seldom have money even to cover their travel expenses, but I
    do offer my home to those who stay overnight.  Among these
    guests is a woman who I believe indeed was born in a
    prominent cult bloodline, and long after she thought that she
    had renounced the occult, still got "triggered" into an
    "alter" state to impose "discipline" on member groups in a
    multi-state region for twenty years thereafter.  I asked my
    students how they felt about my inviting her, and several
    survivors of like violence whom she has taken in, into my
    home.  Some were outraged and dismayed that I could do so.  I
    sent their comments to my friend, who wrote back a long
    letter.
    The letter, which I have shared with my students and others,
    is not long on remorse.  My friend says that she herself did
    hands-on "sacrificing" of people only until she rose high
    enough to let others do it instead, that she did it without
    feeling knowing that she would be killed if she did not.  She
    explicitly distinguishes herself from despicable serial
    killers like Ted Bundy.
    She also describes going through books of pictures of
    missing children, looking to see whether she recognizes any
    of her victims.  She offers assistance to law enforcement,
    including telling them about her past (which is
    unprosecutable because bodies would not be found).  She takes
    in others trying to escape.  She is in touch enough with what
    she now regards as an alien part of herself--the part that
    could be triggered and called out to cult activity--that she
    ensures that she is always in safe company, so that she has
    no chance to "lose time," as happens when people switch among
    multiple personalities.  In so doing she is in touch with her
    real self, just as she pays attention to others.  On her own
    initiative, she started visiting a prisoner with whom I have
    been corresponding for some years.  She not only shows
    sensitivity and empathy for those in whose company I see her;
    ultimately she shows empathy for me.  She is for instance
    scrupulous about honoring my request to come and go to suit
    my family schedule.  She and her guests notice and express
    appreciation even for little demonstrations of hospitality. 
    Noticing their empathy, I am confident that they will in no
    way hurt me or my family.  Their displays of empathy are
    exercises in personal responsibility--in becoming different
    from the way they were when they tortured and killed others.
    To become responsible and empathetic, you have to have
    confidence in the value and legitimacy of your own feelings
    and needs.  So my friend may show some remorse implicitly by
    having tried for instance to identify her victims, but my
    safety with her now in my judgment rests on her knowing that
    it was a part of her that she now considers alien, that she
    knows that basically she is better and more trustworthy than
    the part of her that formerly hurt others.  You have to like
    and accept a part of yourself that you do not dissociate from
    in order to be honest with others about what you do feel and
    want, and it appears to me in this and other cases that one's
    empathy sets in only as one feels one can be oneself without
    being rejected for it.  Trying to induce remorse and shame is
    therefore counterproductive, for success in shaming lies in
    making one loathe and reject and demean oneself.  In shame,
    one may either choose a safe, loving, vulnerable target such
    as one's child and lash out in anger, just split off from
    attention to the subject's feelings and let the rage out.  It
    is easy to imagine that when one is on the receiving end of
    such an outburst, it feels as though you're going to die.  In
    the numbness and shame that follows victimization, shame may
    do more than bottle up rage for politically convenient
    outbursts.  One may adapt by concluding that in this world
    such as it is, you don't deserve or cannot expect better than
    to hang onto one's abuser.  The patterns protective mothers
    describe to me indicate that those who aim to prey on "their"
    children pick out women who have been beaten into feeling
    responsible for being violated, into feeling that it was
    their worldly, religious duty to serve men (generally) who
    degraded them, and then beat them.
    In neither case does shame help one's affliction.
    Martyrdom and servitude are inherently instrumental. 
    Empathy is not.  Empathy is an openness to new experience, a
    relaxing of preconceptions as to what is expected, in English
    metaphor, an opening of the heart.  In Buddhist terms it is
    pure life(-giving) energy, compassion in action.  As Quinney
    (1991) tells us, we end suffering by noticing it and
    responding openly.  Elements of empathy are captured in this
    saying attributed to the Navajo, which I have posted in bold
    letters outside my office:
                             SHOW UP
                         PAY ATTENTION
                         TELL THE TRUTH
                  DON'T BE ATTACHED TO OUTCOME
                                   Attachment to outcome means that you know, before you hear
    from others, what needs to be done.  If you already know what
    needs to be done, you have nothing to learn from listening to
    others before your next move, in terms of what most demands
    your attention.  Your priorities are not up for discussion.
    The energy in compassion or empathy lies in learning
    something new to do by listening to those who will most be
    affected by what you do next.  Empathy is a suspension of
    one's agenda to "pay attention" to what they say, and to let
    their feelings soak into one's own conscious nervous energy. 
    Empathy begins with unencumbered listening (Pepinsky 1998a). 
    Of course, in order to pay attention you have to "show up"--
    or as I hear people in my daughter's generation say, "be
    there."  You have to show interest and solicit voices of
    those voices are least heard in whatever setting or reference
    group you find yourself, in order to introduce balance into
    the conversation--the structural manifestation that peace is
    being made.
    Our ultimate cultural barrier to substituting empathy for
    obedience is our presumption that adults know more than
    children.  In a sense of course, that is true.  But as
    children, we have some vital gifts of our own to add to
    conversations.  Chief among these is our blatantly honest
    desire to please and be accepted by adults.  We bring honesty
    to conversations, unless adults shut us down.  We may be the
    first to cry when we are all scared.  We may be the first to
    relax and pay attention at school when the parents we so much
    want to please stop scaring each other.  Adults who leave
    "their" children out of their conversations are prone to
    impose lessons gained from experience, including having to
    lie, as Alice Miller puts it for the children's "own good." 
    How blind.  How damaging to the very gift of empathy the
    child spontaneously offers to our conversations.
    Norway is a second home to me.  There at the dinner table in
    party company, children are almost ritually brought into
    conversations, to describe their worlds in their own terms,
    as adults pay attention.
    As adults share among themselves what they hear as they pay
    attention to children, adults legitimize in safe company
    reliving traumas of their own childhoods.  I have seen this
    happen time and again, as mothers trying to protect their
    children recognize ways in which, as children themselves,
    they too were sexually assaulted by someone they loved and
    trusted.  Without magically fixing their children's problems,
    I have seen them and their children gain strength--as in the
    case of eating disorders literally gaining weight.  These
    mothers have the greatest respect for the honesty, courage,
    and wisdom of their children.  That is their primary solace. 
    This, to me, is truly a break in an intergenerational cycle
    of violence and victimization.
    I sense that as growing numbers of children and adult
    survivors share stories, validate one another, and speak out,
    we will overcome our ignorance of what our children,
    including the children buried in our adult selves, have to
    teach us.  That will be the profoundest peacemaking of all.
    In the mid sixties in law school I learned that a minority
    of states were setting a national trend, permitting "no-
    fault" divorces.  The common-law rule, in effect in New York
    State at the time, was that one could obtain a divorce only
    if one's spouse committed a statutory offense (adultery in
    New York), and if one had "clean hands."  So if one spouse
    sued another for divorce proving adultery, and the other
    spouse proved that the plaintiff was also committing
    adultery, the law required that family to be reunified,
    unless perhaps they consented to separate for an extended
    period and then ask for a divorce together.
    Women's shelters started opening up not long after.  And in
    growing numbers, women do leave battering relations.  From
    what I know of where custody disputes began (as by Children
    of the Underground founder Faye Yager in 1973; Carpenter and
    Dietrich 1997), children whose fathers were established in
    communities in the middle class or higher first began to feel
    safe enough to talk to mothers, who felt detached enough to
    believe what they heard rather than telling their children to
    stop telling lies.  And in therapy, adults began to talk
    about the violence of their own childhoods and be heard,
    especially by women's advocates.  (One sad void, for
    instance, is in support groups for male survivors of
    childhood incest.)  Surveys were first conducted asking
    people how often they had been sexually assaulted by someone
    they knew in the late eighties.  And so, I would say, out of
    the movement to allow women to leave men who beat, rape, and
    threaten them, we have liberated children's voices of
    victimization into public discourse.
    The results are scary.  What amounts to unrelenting torture
    of children once plainly described suddenly seems as though
    it might be happening all around us.  As I see it, this is an
    awakening of our empathy for childhood, our own included.  As
    we recognize that children have as much to offer in decisions
    that affect them as adults, our children will free themselves
    of violence more readily.  All it takes, actually, is for a
    single adult whom the child manifestly likes and laughs with
    to offer the child sanctuary from any adult whose company
    scares the child, and for other adults to let sanctuary
    happen (Bianchi 1994).  There you have the fundamental
    prerequisite of any child's safety.  This may be hard to
    achieve in a warring world, but people do achieve small bits
    of empathy do provide remarkable measures of safety.  One
    survivor of cult torture, led by her socially and politically
    prominent father, remembers a fifth-grade teacher looking at
    her as though she understood that something wrong was being
    done to her.  That bit of empathic connection carried her
    forward until she broke from the cult, and for years since
    has been for instance in a very fulfilling and safe marriage. 
    A small dose of sanctuary can be life-sustaining.
    The bad thing about scary news is that it makes you feel
    that you have to shut the problem down.  I have testified in
    one case in which a judge actually ordered children NOT to be
    in counseling so that they would stop saying bad stuff about
    their father; I know of many others like it.  All this is in
    the guise that children are causing trouble for themselves by
    threatening sacred family bonds.  It is terrifying to think
    that if we probe enough in our very own families, we may
    discover that a valued relative was Jekyll and Hyde, or that
    a monster may lurk in our child's daycare center or school. 
    As I hear individuals whom I know in other contexts talk
    about how violence in the home including violence by children
    is getting out of hand, I am struck that the tone and
    substance of the protest is like that of someone confronting
    any personal feeling or fear that s/he has denied.  It is
    inherently scary to emerge from denial of a problem, all the
    more so when one's denial amounts to cultural blindness.  And
    yet, I see that as progress toward safety, in which each of
    us learns to create families of choice rather than just doing
    our ancestral duties.  As I see it, record numbers of
    children and adult survivors are sharing stories and being
    heard about problems that for millenia in our European
    ancestry at any rate were almost totally buried.  As DeMause
    (1982) traces it, children in Europe and Euro-America were
    not legally and politically recognized as people to whom
    adults owed any duty until about a hundred years ago.  So we
    have come a long way.
    We can of course follow the same principles of making peace
    in any company, with or without children.  Basically though,
    our defenses against forsaking duty for empathy lie embedded
    in the violence we suffer as children.  We may join the mob
    in going after this or that public villain, but at root, in
    areas of our lives remote from police and legal surveillance,
    we are most likely to be trapped in violence or safe from it. 
    Empathy and honesty pay off anywhere in daily or political
    life.  By "showing up" and "paying attention" to the voices
    of our childhood, we most directly accomplish the safety
    which Karl Marx (1963) called "human emancipation."
    In the Navajo saying, "telling the truth" refers to honesty. 
    If you want someone honestly to talk about his or her
    reaction to having committed a crime, you don't set up plea
    bargaining ceremonies of remorse in order to draw out how the
    offender honestly feels and believes.  The condition for
    honesty is essentially acceptance of this principle: When I
    ask you for truth, I grant you the responsibility of how next
    what you tell me gets used.
    This condition sets the principle behind "Incidents Teams"
    established by the dean of students office on my home campus
    of Indiana University.  I am delighted to have
    representatives of the nearly decade-old Racial Incidents
    Team, and Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Anti-Harassment Team make
    presentations in my classes on "social control."  The Racial
    Incidents Team invites people to report harassment or crimes
    committed against them which appears based on race or
    ethnicity, or on religious beliefs.  The GLB Anti-Harassment
    Team invites reports of gaybashing (whether or not the person
    victimized is gay).  Among other things the teams annually
    publish summaries of every incident reported annually.  Each
    is a team of professional staff who first invite each
    complainant to elaborate, and then brainstorm options as to
    what the complainant might do further.  The options are
    diverse and imaginative, ranging from education to
    notification to invoking disciplinary or legal processes.  It
    is up to the complainant to ask the Team to help her or him
    implement the package of the complainant's choice.
    In most cases, complainants are satisfied to have the report
    on file, and want to go no further.  Team members report
    occasional frustration when for instance a complainant
    declines to report a crime to police or the prosecutor.  But
    the rule of confidentiality and abiding by complainant wishes
    is ironclad.
    This is precisely the rule followed by therapists and rape
    or domestic violence crisis counselors.  The one who has been
    victimized suffers a loss of control.  Restoration of a sense
    of personal safety rests on the one who has been victimized
    resuming control of her social relations.  Since s/he is the
    one at hand who has most been stripped of a voice in what
    happens to her or him, her or his voice is the one most
    urgently needing to be drawn into the ensuing conversation. 
    If that voice matters, it will guide and be supported by what
    it says.  Let the one who has most been traumatized by
    victimization be the primary guide to what comes next.  This
    is the principle by which the Incidents Teams operate.  It
    seems to me that incidents teams would be a useful
    independent adjunct to police, prosecutors and courts.  Those
    who complained could have the support of the Team on their
    terms regardless of what police or prosecutors decided duty
    demanded of themselves.  This would represent organizing to
    create empathy in the wake of violence, as a supplement to
    organizing to demand obedience of perpetrators.  Time and
    again I have heard survivors of traumatic violence like
    incestuous rape say that the most healing, energizing
    response they received when they first told about the event
    was from those who sat, listened, said as little as "How
    terrible; I'm so sorry," and did nothing else to try to take
    over and fix it.  Incidents team members at IU report much
    the same experience.  Offering safe refuge from further
    violence is the next most crucial step to safety.
    Martyrdom and servitude represent trying to do things for
    others on pain of social or heavenly rejection.  Regardless
    of whether people who martyr themselves or serve others are
    forced by other people to do so or "choose" to subordinate
    their own needs to others', at a basic internal level they
    feel they have or deserve no choice.  They must discern and
    obey the demands or fill the needs of the gods or people they
    serve, or else...they cut off their social and spiritual
    connections at the roots.  As Weber (1999) discerned, the
    difference lies in whether one is born in a state of grace,
    or has to earn grace.  If one is born in a state of grace,
    one does not have to justify one's existence.  If one must
    justify one's existence, one is trapped into meeting external
    standards to make one's life worthwhile.
    When doing one's painful duty to abide by external needs or
    rules, one is literally just following orders.  Regardless of
    whether this defense is accepted as a legal justification for
    violence, the honest truth is that obedient actors have
    forsaken personal responsibility for their actions, quite
    literally so.  Responsibility is implied instead by the
    simple claim, "I did it because I wanted to."  What one once
    wanted to do for one reason, one can responsibility and
    expressly choose to do differently in order to enjoy the
    safety of empathic relations oneself--because you feel a need
    to hear and respect the sensibilities of those whose turn it
    is to join the conversation, because it makes you feel
    connected.  As Quinney would say, you have heard the
    suffering at hand and been moved by it.  When you do that, by
    definition, your violence stops in its tracks.
    I have been close to people who I believing to be repeatedly
    assaulting or harassing others.  I have heard plenty of
    remorse.  I have seen how hard it is for those who I find at
    risk of repeating their violence to empathize.  They are too
    hung up on their own problems, and desperate to do whatever
    they feel they must to cling to others.  I find that empathy,
    unlike a polygraph, is hard to fake.  And when people like
    the houseguests whom I describe above shows one another and
    me empathy, I find that I can afford to let down my guard and
    enjoy my safety in their company.  I also notice that I
    receive ample warning as empathy shuts down before someone
    bursts into violence, which helps me relax and be able to
    empathize myself, rather than to be on guard for renewed
    attack.
    At the individual level one's capacity for empathy with
    others remains in balance with what I consider empathy for
    oneself "telling the truth" to oneself and others about what
    one feels and needs to feel validated and connected to others
    merely for being oneself, not denying one's own needs and
    feelings in martyrdom or self-sacrifice.  In enjoying the
    safety of empathy one takes heart from watching those who
    have been victimized gain voice and assume responsibility for
    their lives, and one's satisfaction rests in being there to
    validate and honor the occasion.  In martyrdom or self-
    sacrifice one becomes what Schaef (1992) and others call co-
    dependent, and attempts to assume responsibility for others'
    needs rather than enhancing their assumption of
    responsibility for meeting theirs while burying one's own
    feelings and needs.  When enjoying empathic relations, one
    loses "attachment to outcome."  One's faith that balanced
    participation in itself increases the chances that one's own
    most crying needs will be accommodated, supplants faith that
    someone else has to do something one divines oneself as a
    predicate to safety.  From showing up to letting go of
    attachment to outcome, the Navajo saying summarizes the range
    of elements on which empathy rests.
    Trying to make anyone else empathic or responsible rests on
    the fallacy of making empathy an act of obedience.  The logic
    on which empathy rests determines that empathy and
    responsibility can only be invited by showing empathy and
    responsibility.  This means listening down--drawing out
    voices most excluded from our conversations and being guided
    by them--rather than subordinating others, which literally is
    a refusal to grant empathy.  It means listening down in
    balance with listening down into one's own self.  It is by
    allowing one's sharing of one's own feelings and self with
    others to emerge that one can feel at all, truly feel, and
    hence feel what others are expressing in the event.  It is as
    one turns off one's own feelings and denies one's own
    sensibilities that one turns instead to connecting with
    others in the manner of one of Milgram's obedient subjects. 
    This includes feeling too ashamed and inadequate to deserve
    to have one's feelings and sensibilities count, or have them
    enter the conversation.  Ultimately, shame deprives not other
    offenders but oneself of one's capacity to enjoy empathy with
    others in concert with empathy with oneself.  One bears
    responsibility as one dares to bare oneself and let outcomes
    fall where they may.  Insofar as one bears oneself, one cares
    and dares to listen to others' pain and fears without having
    to fix or solve them either.  Letting go of attachment to
    outcome allows oneself to attend and respond to one's
    present.  It is, as Ernest Becker (1968: 327-46) concludes,
    our self-esteem rather than our shame which allows us to
    connect safely and honestly with others.  That is no less
    true of one's worst enemy than it is of oneself.  One cannot
    dictate whether anyone gives empathy, but safety lies only
    where feelings of the moment are noticed and recognized, and
    acted upon.  Empathy rests on embracing a part of one's own
    inner self as a foundation for rejecting what has been wrong
    with oneself.
    I work a lot these days in cases of apparent violence
    against children.  Contrary to warmaking expectations, I find
    that children facing violence are much more compassionate and
    reasonable than adults around them.  One child advocate I
    know who had to fight off her own stepfather's regular
    demands for oral sex just wanted him out of the home when the
    police only wanted the stepfather restrained from entering
    her home.  The police responded that she should either press
    charges and get her stepfather jailed, or go home with him. 
    Quite typically, children who are "molested" by a parent want
    to work out some safe form of contact, while adults around
    them fight over whether that parent deserves to own the
    child's company on the parent's unilateral terms or not at
    all.  The mission of Adult Children of Alcoholics recognizes
    how out of loving duty children go out of their way to feel,
    be, and do what their parents need rather than the reverse. 
    As children learn languages readily so as to communicate as
    circumstances allow, so when as children we are in warmaking
    perspective most ignorant and out of control, we are in fact
    more responsible than we generally dare grow up to be.  We
    grow up learning agendas we must perform, learning to
    subordinate our own feelings, and in the process, subordinate
    feelings of others to what we are most carefully taught we
    must do so that they do what they must or should, all
    personal feelings aside.
    Ironically, then, age and experience seem to harden our
    propensity to lie or deny even our own feelings and
    experience.  Age and experience are liable to ingrain
    defenses and prejudices in us which a child's fresh eyes can
    see through more readily.  In any command structure, it is
    fallacious to presume that superiors know and do better than
    their subordinates.  Power over others preaches and embeds in
    our psyches its own false justification--that powerholders
    are wiser, truer and kinder than subordinates.  Balancing
    conversations is the only way out of thralldom in this
    falsehood.
    OBEDIENCE IS INHERENTLY UNFAIR
    Obedience is a matter of choosing whose voices get to be
    heard as against others'.  The very definition of who offends
    and who gets victimized becomes a matter of who is entitled
    to define who the offenders and victims are.  This is a power
    trip.  The logic of a system run by mobilizing power over
    others is inescapable: Those who enjoy most power to dictate
    definitions of others' situations are by virtue of power
    alone odds on to--as Jeffrey Reiman (1997) puts it, "get
    richer and the poor get prison."  It doesn't take long
    growing up in the game of obedience to learn that in cases of
    difference, the one who is highest in the power configuration
    gets to decide on grounds that in case of dispute, what I say
    goes.  The realities of subordination manifest themselves
    repeatedly.  Nowhere recently have these realities more
    clearly manifested themselves to me than in contests between
    children who say that a custodian is sexually assaulting
    them, and the caretakers accused.  It appears as though the
    more corroborative evidence there is, like a child's having a
    sexually transmitted disease or torn anus or vaginal opening,
    and the more serious the assault would be if the fact of it
    were recognized, the greater the odds that officials will
    rule evidence of the caretaker's assaults inadequate to find
    fault, and hence that the child should be taken from the
    presence of any parent or therapist to whom the child
    complains (Rosen and Etlin 1996).
    In the face of the rule that those who hold more power are
    more likely to win power games, as we continue to seek safety
    via subordination of miscreants, we find ourselves in ever
    more jeopardy, caught in a world where "inequalities" and
    "injustice" harden and grow.  From the peacemaker view, I am
    safer the more readily those who are obedient find relations
    in which they share attending to one another's will and
    needs.  Extend the boundaries within which those whom I
    mistrust and I share empathy, and I become safer.  Raise the
    number of those whose fates I separate from mine via
    subordination, and I become endangered, not only from those
    authoritatively subordinated as by being labeled "offender,"
    but from all those who empathize and share destinies with
    them.  Thus, justice is something that happens to me and my
    fellow creatures together, one way or the other.  The gods
    who render justice don't appear to care who started violence. 
    It is simply that the more firmly separated enemy fates
    become, the more endangered we are.  The justice we face is
    that we all ultimately become safer or more endangered
    together.  This is what Hindus call karma.  In terms of how
    stressed out or relaxed I am while I survive, and indeed in
    terms of how likely some friend will feed, shelter, and hold
    me in need, insofar as we enjoy empathy, we enjoy safety. 
    Insofar as we resort to violence, we fear and hurt from
    violence.  That is not a prophecy.  That is simply how
    justice gets done one way or the other.
    Within the microlimits of our individual lives, just having
    friends with whom we can safely, honestly share fear and pain
    is the essence of being safe from personal violence. 
    Personal investment in empathy pays off in personal security
    and self-esteem.  Personal investment in empathy means not
    letting one's own feelings and sensibilities be subordinated,
    balanced with hearing the first and foremost the most subdued
    voices in one's own here and now.  One proposition I have put
    to students is that it is safer to invest in friendship than
    in Wall Street.  When the market crashes, I rest my survival
    on having friends who will take me in and feed me from their
    own stocks.  That is my primary social security.  The more
    heavily others follow my lead in investing in this market of
    peace, the more readily we all will free ourselves from
    violence, regardless of how quickly or steadily the personal
    safety we build close around ourselves with friends
    translates into global safety.    Within the peacemaking
    frame, the broader the divergence in background, class,
    status, power among those who empathize, the brighter and
    broader the halo of empathy around that accommodation.  But
    empathy pays off in the personal safety of the one who
    invests in it regardless of how slowly culture follows.
    It is presumptuous of anyone to suppose that s/he knows how
    to accomplish justice. It is practical to invest empathy for
    safety's sake, and because safety lies in treating one
    another fairly and with balance.
    Until as recently as my "peacemaking primer" (Pepinsky
    1995), I looked on "dumping up" as a means to making peace. 
    I recant.  Any form of dumping is a bid for obedience.  I
    know from growing up and circulating among rich and powerful
    people that people up there tend to suspect that no one
    really loves them for themselves and feel mighty scared,
    vulnerable, driven to defend their claim to a social stake. 
    I know they are as wary as are streetpeople I have met. 
    Fitness to survive unrelenting struggles over power and
    obedience entails greater vigilance against betrayal than
    those one has dumped up and out.  Those who find the
    legitimacy of their power positions drawn into question
    naturally focus more on establishing who remains in charge,
    and in justifying the system to which one belongs, than to
    noticing how subordinates feel and see and hear things.  We
    can by empathy and refuge free people from subordination far
    more readily than we can beat powerholders into empathy.
    A little listening means a lot. Those who are trapped in
    recurrent victimization offer large doses of personal
    appreciation to anyone who just stops and listens to them. 
    Rather than depending on dumping up, the logic of balancing
    conversations by spreading empathy dictates that I instead
    help amplify the left-out voices, to let them speak for
    themselves rather than seeking to speak for them.  In the
    practice of mediating imbalances in conversation, the floor
    oscillates back and forth between concerns of those at the
    poles of each interest in conflict, so that once those who
    are weakest are aired and heard, the floor passes upward, so
    that those who have offended and those who hold power may
    enjoy their turn at being heard, honestly heard.  Peacemaking
    entails taking turns in conversation about oneself and one's
    own feelings and interests, up and down the power structure
    like a child's see-saw or teeter-totter.  Insofar as one
    offers empathy rather than a demand for obedience, one offers
    a gift rather than imposing an obligation.  Whatever the
    response, it is responsible and trustworthy only insofar as
    it is not commanded, or more implicitly, expected.  What
    matters is whether concern for others' interests manifestly
    redirects the response.  Empathy may be reciprocated and
    hence create safety; a command will never do so. The
    peacemaker's faith is that the co-generation of empathy will
    create responses which will accommodate everyone's needs more
    readily than any other response.  The karmic promise, the
    promise of justice, is that social security and equity in
    having needs accommodated will resonate outward from
    individual increases in safety against personal violence,
    from taking turns listening in dyadic conversations, to
    allowing workers and customers fair shares of ownership in
    corporate decisions and losses or profits to, to mediating
    conversations between those we designate victims and
    offenders...wherever, at whatever social level one wants to
    measure equity of participation in conversations.  That's the
    starting point and the way regardless of how far apart people
    start.
    When we are truly responsible, we are responsible for our
    own choices and for responding to the consequences, not
    oxymoronically responsible for making others do anything. 
    Insofar as we become conscious of the role our empathy alone
    plays in creating the results, I propose that we will feel
    safer, and by any number of measures of violence and
    inequality will become safer.
    Balancing voices in our conversations requires that we
    individually feel secure enough to dampen our narcissism,
    including letting go of getting our own points across,
    relaxing our determination to reach some objective we have
    set for ourselves or for others in advance.  Implicit in a
    concern for doing ju
    peace, the more readily we all will free ourselves from
    violence, regardless of how quickly or steadily the personal
    safety we build close around ourselves with friends
    translates into global safety.    Within the peacemaking
    frame, the broader the divergence in background, class,
    status, power among those who empathize, the brighter and
    broader the halo of empathy around that accommodation.  But
    empathy pays off in the personal safety of the one who
    invests in it regardless of how slowly culture follows.
    It is presumptuous of anyone to suppose that s/he knows how
    to accomplish justice. It is practical to invest empathy for
    safety's sake, and because safety lies in treating one
    another fairly and with balance.
    Until as recently as my "peacemaking primer" (Pepinsky
    1995), I looked on "dumping up" as a means to making peace. 
    I recant.  Any form of dumping is a bid for obedience.  I
    know from growing up and circulating among rich and powerful
    people that people up there tend to suspect that no one
    really loves them for themselves and feel mighty scared,
    vulnerable, driven to defend their claim to a social stake. 
    I know they are as wary as are streetpeople I have met. 
    Fitness to survive unrelenting struggles over power and
    obedience entails greater vigilance against betrayal than
    those one has dumped up and out.  Those who find the
    legitimacy of their power positions drawn into question
    naturally focus more on establishing who remains in charge,
    and in justifying the system to which one belongs, than to
    noticing how subordinates feel and see and hear things.  We
    can by empathy and refuge free people from subordination far
    more readily than we can beat powerholders into empathy.
    A little listening means a lot. Those who are trapped in
    recurrent victimization offer large doses of personal
    appreciation to anyone who just stops and listens to them. 
    Rather than depending on dumping up, the logic of balancing
    conversations by spreading empathy dictates that I instead
    help amplify the left-out voices, to let them speak for
    themselves rather than seeking to speak for them.  In the
    practice of mediating imbalances in conversation, the floor
    oscillates back and forth between concerns of those at the
    poles of each interest in conflict, so that once those who
    are weakest are aired and heard, the floor passes upward, so
    that those who have offended and those who hold power may
    enjoy their turn at being heard, honestly heard.  Peacemaking
    entails taking turns in conversation about oneself and one's
    own feelings and interests, up and down the power structure
    like a child's see-saw or teeter-totter.  Insofar as one
    offers empathy rather than a demand for obedience, one offers
    a gift rather than imposing an obligation.  Whatever the
    response, it is responsible and trustworthy only insofar as
    it is not commanded, or more implicitly, expected.  What
    matters is whether concern for others' interests manifestly
    redirects the response.  Empathy may be reciprocated and
    hence create safety; a command will never do so. The
    peacemaker's faith is that the co-generation of empathy will
    create responses which will accommodate everyone's needs more
    readily than any other response.  The karmic promise, the
    promise of justice, is that social security and equity in
    having needs accommodated will resonate outward from
    individual increases in safety against personal violence,
    from taking turns listening in dyadic conversations, to
    allowing workers and customers fair shares of ownership in
    corporate decisions and losses or profits to, to mediating
    conversations between those we designate victims and
    offenders...wherever, at whatever social level one wants to
    measure equity of participation in conversations.  That's the
    starting point and the way regardless of how far apart people
    start.
    When we are truly responsible, we are responsible for our
    own choices and for responding to the consequences, not
    oxymoronically responsible for making others do anything. 
    Insofar as we become conscious of the role our empathy alone
    plays in creating the results, I propose that we will feel
    safer, and by any number of measures of violence and
    inequality will become safer.
    Balancing voices in our conversations requires that we
    individually feel secure enough to dampen our narcissism,
    including letting go of getting our own points across,
    relaxing our determination to reach some objective we have
    set for ourselves or for others in advance.  Implicit in a
    concern for doing justice, rather than making sure others too
    have a balanced say in what happens, is a need to justify a
    result rather than attention to the process by which results
    are achieved.   Gaining safety makes a simple but unyielding
    demand--that we pay attention to the sensibilities of the
    people we live with rather than to performing some higher
    social agenda.
    
    CONSEQUENCES
    There has been a lot of talk for over twenty years about
    "widening the net" of criminal justice (Cohen 1979, Pepinsky
    1973).  When programs are introduced which are supposed to
    offer alternatives to incarceration, the odds shift toward
    using the alternatives on those who otherwise would have had
    less done to them, with potential for creating records of
    failure of alternatives which justify and thus increase use
    of incarceration.  I have noticed over the years an impasse
    between academicians who recognize this dynamic and
    practitioners who protest that they use alternatives and are
    not widening the net.  Recently, an official who works with
    youth explained how those who seek to mitigate punishment
    widen nets.
    She was speaking of the need for a local juvenile detention
    center.  She said that since it was so expensive to have
    juveniles transported several counties away to be detained,
    the judge could only really afford to send juveniles for a
    minimum stay of six days.  Meanwhile, there were youths at
    risk who had had the benefit of all the alternatives the
    system had to offer, and who might be turned around from
    getting into further trouble by just being given 24 hours in
    detention to teach them that wrongdoing "has consequences." 
    So if the local detention center is built, new classes of
    youths will be given this "shock."  And what is to be done if
    they for instance fail the routine urinalysis (given by that
    juvenile probation office regardless of offense charged) in
    the aftermath?  Finckenauer (1982) found that those who had
    been "scared straight" in confrontations with lifers in a
    maximum security prison afterwards got arrested more than a
    matched control group of those who had not undergone the
    program.  In the game of demanding obedience, the need for
    sterner measures spreads inexorably.
    It is like what a parent faces who has spanked a child hard
    and yet had a recurrence of disobedience.  A sterner measure
    is called for in the logic of commanding obedience.
    The same official who illustrated to me how people think as
    they widen nets also was giving reassurance to volunteers in
    a new Victim Offender Reconciliation Program.  She noted that
    after 13 years of work she had taken heart from some people
    who had come back to her years later and had told her that
    because she had cared when other adults had not, she had
    turned their lives around.  I expect that these were moments
    of empathy which tend not to be shared or even remembered
    because they don't count in the game of imposing
    consequences.  Empathy matters nonetheless.
    No matter what our formal or official exteriors, we show
    empathy in some measure, almost all of us.  It is indeed what
    makes the doing of any of our jobs socially worthwhile.  It
    is just too bad when we feel obliged to attribute what our
    empathy has achieved to doing our duty to command obedience.
    The popular criminal legal jargon these days around me is
    that since we know the system is out of hand and don't really
    favor punishment, we "give consequences" instead.  It occurs
    to me as I begin service as a VORP mediator that my
    preoccupation is with focusing attention on consequences--
    first and foremost harm to those victimized--which have
    already occurred.  Why demand that people attend instead to
    consequences I or others have devised?  I seek to have those
    most affected by the crimes referred to us tell one another
    what they have done and what has already happened, and then
    assume responsibility for devising responses to the
    consequences at hand.  Results of that process may feel safe. 
    Introducing consequences means that I assume responsibility
    and make decisions for others, taking away their room for
    exercise of responsibility.  I don't even give myself a
    chance to learn how they might respond if I did not impose my
    own consequences.  And as by urine testing, I who impose
    consequences will want to ensure accountability not to my
    subject's personal responsibility, but to me.  I will find
    myself driven to imposing closer and closer scrutiny of my
    subjects.  How unsafe to be on guard so.
    Anyone with a problem of violence in or out of the criminal
    justice system enjoys a measure of discretion whether next to
    listen or pass on what someone says, or to execute or follow
    an order.  That is the only remedy I see for an escalation in
    incarceration in my home United States since the Vietnam War
    ended in 1975, which otherwise could be diverted only by
    sending a mass of young U.S. soldiers abroad into open combat
    with a foreign enemy (Pepinsky 1996, 1991: 34-61).
    A year after I moved to my current home town, in 1977, my
    county whose population has since climbed from 90-120,000
    hired a not-for-profit consultant who told us that our county
    jail could be gutted and made into 40 cells which would last
    us until well into the next millenium.  That consultant then
    formed a for-profit firm, so that by 1983 he had forecast
    what we would need 95-110 cells to last us into the next
    millenium.  I joined a friend suing to void county council
    approval of a leasing arrangement for a jail which--to round
    off corners on the top of a new "justice building"--would
    have 124 cells.  We lost.  That jail as opened in 1986, and
    episodically spilled to over capacity within six months of
    its opening.  Now we appear destined to approve building a
    jail truly sufficient to meet our needs as we enter the new
    millenium--with 4-500 cells.
    I was talking with a friend who inspired my failed lawsuit,
    and we agreed that--karmically--our efforts to tell people
    that the new jail would be filled had helped create the
    monster we now face.  A burst of official effort went into
    organizing and using defendant- or offender-subsidized
    "alternative" "consequences" for offenders, which apparently
    generated records of failure of "lenient" measures, and
    widened the net far faster than I might have imagined.
    As I begin learning how to serve as a VORP mediator, I have
    no illusions that VORP or any other restorative justice
    program will empty the jail.  Nor do I think that officials
    are more to blame than the will in all of us to respond to
    place obedience before empathy.
    I have fantasized about a bumper sticker: "Safer to Carry a
    Friend than a Gun."  There is remarkable, significant safety
    in each empathetic connection we make.  All structural
    safety, all signs of the withering away of oppression and
    inequality, rest on attending to empathy, which in turn
    requires letting go of obedience.  The science and art of
    achieving safety in the face of personal violence is that of
    empathy, which I call making peace instead of making war. 
    Empathy can start anywhere, on any job.  Empathy is the only
    mechanism which protects us against personal violence.  The
    personal violence recorded by criminologists and police is
    but a shadow of the violence and terror of isolation (and
    attendant worthlessness) that threatens us routinely in our
    daily lives, where outsiders including police and child
    protection workers fear to intrude.  Whether we humans
    achieve greater violence or safety, justice will prevail,
    where the just results of our efforts to become safer in one
    another's company will show that for us all, empathy works,
    obedience doesn't.
    
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